Trepanation Explanation

Why did I drill the small auroral hole in my skull?
Ask the moon, ask the tremor in the tide-pool of my blood –
for I cannot answer without unscrolling the whole
chronicle of the self I abandoned like a ship too long in port,
its ropes frayed, its hull barnacled with yesterday’s uneaten hours.
I dropped out, yes – dropped outward, I should say,
as though the world were a shell and I were tunneling back
toward the first seabed of thought.

Turn on, turn in, turn the key of the vertebrae –
and there it was: a new life unfurling like phosphorescence
on a night shore, a trembling alphabet of light
rising from each wave-crest of sensation.
The drugs – oh, those tiny chemistries,
those alchemical insects humming the scrollwork of the invisible –
lifted the floorboards of perception,
and suddenly the quotidian corridor
filled with wind, with thunder, with the blue-violet candescence
of things as they are before we bury them in names.

I reached there: the inadmissible plateau,
the upland where the mind stands unhelmeted under its own stars,
chanting the private liturgy of pulse and filament.
Was it crazy, or what –
this decision to open a skylight in the bone?
No, love, no: it was the sanest thing, the dearly sane,
the one act that felt proportionate to the hurricane within.

But it required obstacles to be wooed,
difficulties to be courted like shy beasts at the edge of a glade.
There were nights when the drill’s imagined whine
echoed in my skull before metal ever touched it,
and I had to steady my breath against whole genealogies of doubt.
There were days when I rehearsed the incision
the way a monk might rehearse a psalm,
mouthing the syllables of courage to no one.

Yet still, the aperture.
Still, the opening like a secret harbor
in a coastline I had long mistaken for unbroken stone.
And through it – what?
A slow pressure, that ancient stranger of the blood,
slipping outward just enough
to redraw the inner cartography.
Some claim it is madness to grant the brain
a second window onto the world,
but I found myself calmer,
as though the storm-cloud had been given
a pet door through which to prowl.

Afterward, I tried – fumbling, earnest,
ridiculous in my missionary zeal –
to bring these discoveries to the public square,
to hold up the soft lantern of my experiment
like a lighthouse flame for others lost
in the opiate fogs and bureaucracies of their own minds.
But how do you persuade the unbroken-headed
that the breach is a blessing?
How do you explain that the skull, too,
must learn to breathe?

And so my later life became
a long, shimmering attempt to understand
what the operation had truly altered –
a review of days like sifting sands,
each grain a memory of thought clarified,
or passion unsealed, or sorrow passing through me
with a strange new tact,
as though grief itself had found the new doorway
and bowed politely on its way out.

I do not yet know the final judgement.
Perhaps no one ever does.
But I walk with the quiet sense of a lighthouse tender
who has finally entered the lantern room
and cleaned the last occlusion from the glass,
letting the beam pour out
over the black, beseeching waters.

And if you listen –
if you hold your breath just long enough –
you may hear in my voice
the faint sigh of wind through bone,
a little weather system of the soul escaping,
whispering its slow chromatographies of dawn
through the smallest, most deliberate
star I ever carved for myself.